when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
