I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
