Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
