hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
