Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
