My cat gives me a boner
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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