Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
