Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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