The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
