Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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