my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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