Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
