So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
