You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
