I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
