did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
