I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
