Don't make out with my wife yet
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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