I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
