he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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