Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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