Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
