I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
