I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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