It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
