Your face is a jimmy john
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.