U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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