Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
even my farts smell like vagina
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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