when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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