I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
