You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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