Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
