we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
