Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
