i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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