Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
