I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
