yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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