Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
