I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
