yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
