feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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