Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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