he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
