capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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