Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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