go do what you do best...puke behind churches
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Im part way to drunk.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
