the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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