My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
