and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
