you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
