my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
