From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
