i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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